Now we are all sailing in home waters for our staycations because of the recession and the weak pound, we were looking forward to bathing from the boarding ladder in the Met Office’s promised hot summer.

But the Marine Conservation Society has put paid to all that, telling us our beaches are covered in pesticides and sewage.

I for one will not be taking any notice and will swim freely through currents of DDT washed off farmer’s fields, plutonium leaking from atom plants, and abandoned mammals flushed down the loo by brassic pet lovers.

It’s important to remember your Darwin and know you must evolve otherwise how are you going to survive when half the country is underwater?