Scientists dissecting a colossal squid in New Zealand have revealed that its eyes alone measure an astounding 30cm in diameter.

Not only that, but it’s endowed with a killer arsenal: ‘the hooks, the beak, everything about it,’ observed Steve O’Shea from the University of Technology in Auckland. Scary stuff (and after looking at the ‘beak’, just try and suppress a shudder next time you feel something brush your arm on a night watch.)

Meanwhile, another ‘expert’ – presumably some sort of antipodean Cap’n Birdseye – was quoted as saying that ‘calamari rings made from it would be like tractor tyres.’ A symptom of dumbing down by the media or of a growing obesity problem?!