This is an open invitation to boffin Will Andrews, a ‘fragrance scientist’, for Proctor & Gamble, who is researching odour molecules in a bid to recreate a ‘yacht cabin’ smell which can be marketed as an aerosol for armchair sailors.

Please fell free to call me at 020 314 84865 and we can arrange to meet on the hard at Paglesham, Essex. Best to arrive at high water otherwise, the black ooze exposed as the tide recedes might compromise your own finely-tuned olfactory sensors. Best bring some fizzy water with you as once onboard I will desist from offering a cup of tea as the fresh water tank needs a clean out and at present has the aroma of old cabbages.

I suggest we jog down to the Spitway if the wind’s south-west and I’ll drag out some spunyarn from the rope locker: it has a lovely pong of Stockholm tar and you will think you are walking through Wapping circa 1830.

You might want to bring some Petri dishes to collect some mildew off the spare sleeping bag I’ll be offering you: it has a certain smell of decay which would be hugely authentic.

If we get wind over tide in a gale and you are seasick try and collect same in a sealable bag. You won’t be washing while we are away so you might wish to hang onto your laundry until you get back to the factory.

I’m sure it will be great success: I’ve always been impressed with the sweet, if slightly sickly smell which emanates from your waterside plant at Grays in Essex. How anything can smell so suspiciously alien which accompanies the smoke from this industrial plant is beyond me. You are clever fellows.