On board a month ago I discovered my new mobile phone had run out of credit. I needed to make a call to shore to collect crew. Blast! I had to row ashore and make physical contact instead of guiding them to the trot boat. But that was the best of it.

For the last four weeks I have been trying to give 3 Mobile money. But they just don’t want it. I cannot top up at an ATM. I cannot do it online. I cannot get hold of anyone at 3 Mobile on the…wait for it, telephone!

You need a magnifying glass  to read their website instructions. So I wrote. I got a voicemail on my landline which was not legible. I then received a letter. It directed me to…the website.

Tomorrow morning commuters walking across London Bridge may be astonished to see a man in a black coat hurl an object into the Thames.

Goodbye 3 mobile.